10 Things a New Dad Can Do to Help Before & During Postpartum

While my heart on this blog is primarily for Moms, I wanted to write this post because this is an issue that is rarely (if ever) discussed. Honestly, I think that is a huge disservice to Dads! Fathers are parents too, and while they may not be able to nourish the baby with their body, they can nourish their wife! So, I wanted to compile this list (with help from my husband) to give some ACTIONABLE ideas to Dads for the crazy season that is postpartum.

Our postpartum experience was...eye opening. We had done a LOT of prep for labor and birth but not so much thinking about once the baby was actually born. Looking back, not preparing for postpartum was foolish! We were warned by our birth class teacher to make some meals and have a Lactation Counselor ready to meet with us...but I kinda ignored that advice. Birth was the hardest part, right? Wrong. The days following my daughters birth were soooo much harder than my labor and delivery. (But if you're interested in the story of her birth, there is a post about it here.)

There were two big things that happened in relation to my husband, Conner, that I wasn't expecting. First, that I wouldn't feel that "crazy over the top extra cozy love" for him that everyone talked about. I thought I would see him hold her and just fall in love alllll over again. Now, while I did love seeing him with her...I actually didn't feel super lovey. In fact, I felt a little angry and resentful. I remember thinking "What's wrong with me? Aren't I supposed to just love him so much more?" Instead, I was jealous that he got to sleep when I was up nursing and crying in pain. I was angry that he couldn't predict what we needed and when we would need it. Even worse, I didn't know that feeling that way is actually a common response to the postpartum hormones and experience.

The second thing I hadn't REALLY considered was how big of a change this was for him, too. Now, obviously I knew it would all be fresh and new, but I expected him to be a strong and happy presence in the change. Looking back, that expectation is insane. Who can be strong and happy on 3-4 hours of sleep and constant appointments and graduate class finals? No one. Not even Conner (who is an actual angel & the best husband ever). But I didn't realize that this would all take a serious toll on his emotions and capacity too. My NUMBER ONE piece of advice for dads (as approved by my husband) is based on this...

Take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating enough, drinking enough water, and resting when you can. Have someone AHEAD of labor/birth that you know you can talk to when it all gets too much or you need someone to unload on. While this usually might be your wife...she will be (VERY) occupied and someone else will bring a fresh perspective.

Conner and his dad friends. It's helpful to talk to others who have gone through it & understand the experience!

Bring her food and water. Food and water equal love! For a recovering (& possibly nursing) mom, food and water are soooo crucial to sanity. Keep her water bottle full and bring her little snacks (even before she asks). Learn how to cook some basic meals and be prepared to make them when she can't.

Offer to take the baby -- don't wait for her to ask. Sometimes your wife might not even realize she needs a break...or she may not want to ask for help. (Hi, it's me!) Plus, this helps YOU bond with your baby faster, too! In the first weeks you can even take off your shirt and do skin to skin to help with bonding. (Research on that here.)

Conner doing skin to skin right after our daughter was born.

Set up and manage help for her from those outside your new little family. This might mean setting up a meal train, or calling people you know she is comfortable with to keep her company for an afternoon. This is something you are going to want to talk to your wife about first. Together, establish boundaries on what you want help with and maybe some guidelines for guests. But then, YOU do the calling and organizing!

Learn to make (or order) her favorite caffeinated drink perfectly. It's no secret that you don't get much sleep as a new parent. Chat with the mama-to-be and make sure you know how to make her favorite drink...or how to order it from the coffee shop!

Figure out a sleep shift that helps HER the most. Boyyyyy were we in the dark on infant sleep. I will never forget looking at my tiny baby wrapped up in a swaddle and thinking..."Okay, now how do we sleep with you?!?" While baby sleep is sort of a birth-by-fire thing, one thing you can do is figure out a sleep shift that your wife feels most helped by. For us, at the very beginning (months 1-2) that meant my sister held our daughter from 9pm-11pm while I rested or watched TV, and then my husband took her after about 5am. Now, he still takes the morning shift (6am on) because he knows I really feel better after a few consecutive baby free hours in the morning. If you want to do a little prep on REALISTIC baby sleep, I highly recommend Hey Sleepy Baby.

Take pictures and videos of your wife & baby together. If you are anything like my husband, this may not come easily to you. But TRY to remember to take both candid and un-candid photos of your wife & baby! Here is a helpful Youtube video about how to take photos of your children with a phone. These photos are priceless memories!

Be there for the baby's first real doctors appointment. If your baby is born at the hospital, then you'll have lots of little appointments. I'm talking about the REAL first trip to the pediatrician. Your attendance at this appointment means your wife has someone to lean on & that is a gift!

Let the new mama talk and process her feelings with you. Now, she may not always want to, and that's okay. But make sure she knows you are always available and happy to talk with her about how she feels about all the changes and newness. It meant so much to me to be able to cry and process with my husband. It's such a vulnerable time, but knowing I could be honest and not perfect around him made it a little easier. Oh, and if you have the tendency to be a "fixer" just remember that she doesn't need you to try to fix anything; she just needs you to listen.

Don’t be discouraged if it takes weeks, even months for intimacy to return. This tip was added by my husband when he went through my list. He wanted new dads to know that their wives still love them and just need time and space to figure out their new roles as Moms. I'd also add that repeatedly asking for sex (even 6+ weeks postpartum) is a huge turnoff. Let your wife lead the way on that!

and a bonus (but very important) last tip...

Pray for your wife and new baby. Ephesians 6:18 says "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." God openly invites us to talk with Him and tell Him what worries us and what brings us joy. God hears your requests and is ready to listen and help you through! It also brings you comfort that someone is listening and looking out for you and your family.

Postpartum is a hard season, but it is a season, and it does end and get better! I now understand the crazy over the top love they were talking about...it just took me a bit.

If you've been through the postpartum stage, what are tips for Dads that you would add?